As I write/record this on the 26th of February at 16.40, I feel a lack of purpose in my life, which is a bit scary. I have been thinking a lot about the changes myself and others have gone through in the last few months. I’m unsure what I’m supposed to be doing in my life right now (as I’m sure many people around the world will be feeling). I feel there is something missing. During these times, these feelings of uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of self-esteem and poor mental health is absolutely understandable. This is not a normal time we are going through so whatever feelings you might have right now, rest assured it is completely normal.
I said I was going to do more of these blog posts around Christmas time (due to receiving lots of positive messages from people talking about how the blog posts are really beneficial to them and they feel more comfortable about speaking up themselves), but since Christmas time and since returning to Amsterdam, it has been a very busy time. There has been a lot going on, planning a wedding, not being able to see friends, moving house and facing lots of problems, having to move house again, feeling empty, feeling without purpose.
Where I am recording this blog (see location) is a little bit terrifying. The waves are crashing against the rocks beneath me and it’s a very uncertain time. I imagine a lot of people around the world are really struggling with the pandemic, not being able to see friends and family. Hell, I’m struggling seeing strangers and not being able to give them a hug let alone hugging my close friends and family. I don’t know where I would be right now without my fiancée Lauren. She is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I owe my life to her. She is an absolute gem, a diamond, an emerald even (she likes emeralds).
It’s such a strange time right now and I feel so sorry for so many people around the world. There’s no way what I’m feeling right now, no one else in the world is feeling. There will be so many people in the same boat as me…I saw an analogy recently that said we aren’t all in the same boat, we are in the same storm. Some of us are in dinghies, some in boats, some in yachts, some are without a boat and are drowning – quite powerful and rings true. Some people are absolutely thriving on this pandemic. A lot of corporations in finance and pharmaceuticals etc are doing amazingly, while people on the breadline are struggling to feed themselves and their families. Some people like me are really struggling with their mental health through this pandemic and some people are like “I’m an introvert. I don’t like socialising. I don’t like parties. I like watching Netflix all day. The fact that I can work from home means I don’t have to socialise with colleagues over coffee anymore. I’m exercising from home, I’m baking now, I’m reading more books, I don’t have to speak to people. My mental health is better than it’s ever been”. That’s great. I’m really happy for those people. But there’s many people who are in the same situation as me – as much as I think of myself as a bit of an introvert, I miss my friends and I miss seeing my family.
If anything, the corona virus has just made me feel really homesick and made me not want to be where I am right now. Is there a possibility we move nearer to Scotland in the next few years? Yes. Is there a possibility we are here for a few more years? Also yes. Stop thinking of the negativity of staying here. Look at where you are right now. Put your phone down, stop recording this blog and look…(he pauses) “I live here. The sun is dazzling off the gentle waves. A bird blocks my view. It is really beautiful. Where were you the last couple of hours?” (beef talking to himself) “Were you not paying attention? Just mindlessly walking? Remember the parks and the greenery and the new daffodils and snowdrops coming up – that’s beautiful. You live here. Why is staying here for a few more years a negative thing? Because I miss my friends and my family – right, well, make friends. If and when you move back to Scotland, your friends will still be there. Get in touch with them! Don’t feel like being here is a bad thing. You are kind of an introvert after all. You do like your own space, you do like writing, you do like reading to kids. Life is good right now”.
All this is temporary. I know fine well that feelings of happiness are temporary. Sad times come too. Suffering is an integral part of life (as blindboy always says). Suffering is the price we pay for joy, happiness and love; it’s the price we pay to stand in the rain and smell the petrichor, the price we pay to be able to smell the fresh cut grass, the price we pay to laugh until we nearly pee ourselves. But why should the bad times be any different – bad times are also temporary remember. Right now I’m feeling low self-esteem, stress, fatigue, a lack of purpose, lonely, sad, anxious, withdrawn, generally not great in myself. Is all this forever? No, of course not. What’s happening tomorrow? Trying a bootcamp tomorrow morning for a change - going outside my comfort zone. I don’t see people. I don’t socialise. I have Lauren and that’s it. I don’t socialise outside of work. Am I going to meet people tomorrow? Yes. Will it result in friendship? Maybe. I don’t know. The last few weeks have made me feel and really understand what is missing and what I need to keep on top of my mental health. One of them is exercise. I haven’t been exercising at all the last few weeks so no wonder I don’t feel great mentally. My previous blog post was about the benefits to your mental health from exercising…and I haven’t been exercising (bit silly beef, no?)
And the other thing is socialising. I can socialise with Lauren but it doesn’t go outside of that. Lauren has friends and, OK they all stem from her work, but she socialises with them outside of work. I could have that. I’m not as sociable a person as Lauren I guess but the expat community here is bloody huge. Go speak to people. OK, you can’t hug them, but you can talk to people. Make friends and socialise because not having friends over here is doing your head in. I have colleagues that I consider friends, but I don’t socialise with them. Restaurants are shut just now, but you can get a walking beer with someone!
Recently saw a Instagram account called “yerawright ” and have been reading their posts. Some fantastic stuff, written in slang. I will put down the little poem they created below and take from it what you will, but I needed to hear this when it was important for me, partly because of the words and the meaning of the words, but partly because it’s written in Scottish slang so it gave me a bit of comfort when reading it aloud in my head as if it was some Scottish person reading it. It made me feel closer to home and to the creator of that poem, I say thank you. You are fab, whoever you are.
Some days ur shit
Some days ur no
Sometimes yer high
Sometimes yer low
Somethings can be done
Somthings cannae
Sometimes yer a belter
Sometimes yer a fanny
Its not a bad hing, tae take a wee rest
Whitever each day brings, yer trying yer best
Acknowledging strengths is often tough
But listen tae me, yer always mer than enough
Inspiring stuff. Follow this page on Instagram. It’s class.
Mental health is more important now than ever. Yes lots of people are dying from Covid 19 and it is traumatising for so many more people. That trauma unfortunately is creating another pandemic along with the covid one, and that’s a mental health pandemic. I’m just one person who has taken the effects of the pandemic quite badly, not being able to see my friends and family etc. I’m just one person among a planet of 7.something billion people. Of course there will be others feeling the way I do or worse. I’ve not thought about "suicide" per say. I have had thoughts like “this is too difficult. I should just give up. It would be so much easier to just not have to deal with life, because life can be really really shit at times”, and that’s when I’m feeling extremely down which has happened maybe a couple of times in the last 5 or so years. Have these thoughts been on my mind since the start of this pandemic? No, not once, but since coming back over to Amsterdam after Christmas, with the stresses of work and moving and the wedding and the lack of friends, it’s a lot, I’m struggling a bit.
Will I always be struggling? No. Why? Because I’m going to do something about it. I’m going to try new things. When has change ever been bad? Once maybe – the change between being a student and working life. That caused a lot of pain and an initiation into mental health problems – although you have to grow up at some point and now I avidly talk about mental health as a normality now, so even that change had positives. Change always results in a positive even if it’s not staring you in the face. 90% of the time I’ve had to experience change and do something outside my comfort zone, it has been scary, unpleasant and anxiety-inducing, but 100% of the time the change has been good. It has had positive effects on my life in general, my purpose, my goals and ambitions in life and ultimately my mental health. Stepping outside your comfort zone does wonders for you. Change is good.
I’ve experienced change in the past year or 2. I started writing this blog thing. That was a bit of a change. It wasn’t really in my comfort zone but I knew it would help so I went for it. I had nothing to lose. I was scared about what people would think when I openly shared my feelings, but it only brought positives. The change has had a positive outcome. People have got in touch with me to say how great it is that I’m breaking down the stigma of mental health and speaking up for the issue. The same for starting the other venture “Storytime with Stuart”. I had nothing to lose in doing it and thought it might help some parents with the lockdown and home schooling etc etc, so why not? Again this has brought only positives, people getting in touch with me saying they love the stories and it’s helped them. Also with moving to Amsterdam, starting fresh in a new country/city, that change was massive for me. It was extremely tough, challenging, anxiety-inducing and scary, but it was hands down one of the best things that I’ve ever done – it brought about a change that was only positive; it changed me as a person; it changed my outlook; it changed my ambitions and gave me new perspective on my place in the world. When something is uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Stay positive, embrace change. Change is not always pleasant, but it’s always positive. Make the change.
