A fair few years ago, in a wee town called Lanark, a young boy looked at his 2 year old brother across the dinner table while eating a beef stew. His brother had been getting called Stu as a nickname for Stuart. "I've got it," he rejoiced. "We should call him 'Beef''!" And the rest, as they say, is history.

​

I recently started writing up a few notes about my never ending experiences with mental health, which has both hindered and encouraged my development as a person for the last 4 or 5 years. As I'm sure is the case with lots of people who start experiencing anxiety attacks out of the blue with little to no reason, I was extremely confused by it all.

​

In finishing up as a student at university and settling down into a fairly rewarding but tough desk job, I found myself taking on responsibility; more responsibility than say going to get a tin of beans from the shop as there's nothing in the flat to eat. I was enjoying this. I felt like my time for partying like a student was coming to a close and I was starting on the new chapter; making money and becoming financially independent. It seemed pretty cool. I started to take on some more responsibility when my boss asked if I could take over some projects. Would I be able to handle the workload? Of course I would. it'll be tough, but I can manage...

​

Several weekends in a row, I started to experience something new. I would be overcome with intense nausea and a feeling of "I need to get out of here". I would then be vomiting, feel weak and faint, and within around 12 hours, feel OK, but I knew this was not OK. I kept thinking "why am I getting these 12 hour stomach bugs?" This was anxiety. I was experiencing anxiety attacks. Having thought I had stomach problems, I seen a gastroenterologist who did some tests, took blood etc. One day in work, I took a bad turn and was throwing up in the office toilet so went home. I woke up the next day and felt nauseous and called in sick then felt anxious about not going into work. The following week I was sick one morning again, then it was twice a week, then one day I left early from work to go get an ultrasound and did not return to work as I was being sick nearly every day. I panicked about leaving the house, going on long drives, seeing friends, my family, doing anything that was even remotely outside my comfort zone, in fear of feeling sick or vomiting.

​

After all the tests, the doctor told me that I had a problem with my stomach and needed to change my diet. I changed my diet and my stomach got better and I didn't feel nauseous in the mornings any more. I still did not feel comfortable about going back to work in fear of being sick or having one of those horrendous anxiety attacks again. I pushed myself to return to work, lasting 1 day before vomiting and nearly passing out in the toilets. I didn’t know what to do because I started thinking that people are going to be wondering why I've been away for over 15 minutes. The only thing that allowed me to get up and go back to the office was my thought process of going to tell my boss that I'm still not well, he'll send me home and I'll be back in my own bed in no time. So I managed to go talk to my boss and he said “you can't expect these things to be fixed in matter of a week, these things take time” so he was led to believe that my stomach was still a problem. I hadn’t told him about the anxiety yet. I didn’t go back to work for the rest of the week in fear of having another attack as its one of the worst experiences I’ve ever been through.

​

The following week I made it through Monday without a panic and it was OK. I explained to my boss that last weeks episode wasn’t really to do with my stomach as that problem had been resolved and that I was dealing with anxiety attacks that were causing me to vomit and it was really difficult. I felt better having told him what was going on and he was fairly sympathetic. I asked about doing a phased return to work but from his perspective he thought the best way to get back into work would be to just get back into the routine rather than phase it in. I agreed. The next morning I woke up and phoned in sick because I felt so ill. The thought of getting in the car and going to work made me feel so nauseous. I didn’t return to work after that, continually worried that I might have an anxiety attack and I couldn’t go through it. After a couple months, I was told that the company were not getting more work in and if I had been in the office, they would have had to let me go weeks before. They had kept me in employment as long as they could, but had to let me go. I was relieved. I don't know of many people, if any, that when their company makes them redundant, they feel relieved. I didn’t have to go back to that office which had horrible memories of recent months. I thought this was a good excuse for a fresh start to working.

​

Christmas day a few weeks later was probably one of the worst and nicest Christmases I’ve had. I was staying at my girlfriends house Christmas eve and planned on driving up to Aberdeen Christmas morning to celebrate Christmas with my family. I woke up Christmas day slightly anxious about the drive but tried to forget about the anxiousness and just think of how nice it will be. An hour or 2 before I had to leave, I had a really bad anxiety attack without the throwing up. I was anxious about getting in the car and driving up to then spend hours at a table being sociable and what if I started to feel anxious, where could I go? I felt anxious about feeling anxious. I phoned my parents explaining that I was really struggling getting in the car and feeling terrible. They said once I'm up and if I felt bad I could go upstairs and lie down. But why drive all the way up to Aberdeen, just to lie down on my own. What's the point in that? I said I would need to see how I felt in the next hour. My dad phoned me and said that they will miss me and it wont be the same without me there, but if I'm struggling to do it, it's ok. If I'm ok being at my girlfriends, if I'm comfortable there, they didn't want me to start feeling terrible if it meant leaving her house, so "just take it easy, enjoy your day, we will ring you later on and see how you're doing and we’ll see you tomorrow. Everything’s will be OK." I've never appreciated my dads words more than when he was talking to me here. I said ok and when I hung up the phone, I had never felt more down. If there's one day you spend with family, its Christmas. And this stupid thing in my head was preventing me from spending time with my family. Something so easy to everyone as getting in the car just wasn’t an option. Why? I had never been so upset. By the end of the day, I realised that I had had a really nice christmas because I was so relaxed, comfortable at my girlfriends house with her family and having a lot of laughs and a really nice time. It was a shame I wasn’t with my family but I managed to look past that and be thankful for the family that I was surrounded by that Christmas.

​

I decided that perhaps an office job was not the best thing for me to be doing at that time in my life. So I started doing basic landscaping at a children's charity house called Wiston Lodge. While cutting grass, splitting wood and gardening was without a doubt one of the best things I could have done with my time for my mental health, it also lead to an opportunity to work with a young group of scout kids, helping them gain their forestry badge. I agreed I would help the instructor at Wiston Lodge with getting the materials and tools together and act as an assistant, but I found myself properly engaging with the kids, showing them how to fell a small tree using a little axe and all the fun parts in between. I went home that day with a lightbulb above my head. "I want to work with kids".

​

I moved to Reading with my partner for a year, working in a nursery, which started off with some big setbacks to my mental health. I overcame these setbacks and over time I had changed my attitude to mental heath and did everything I could to improve my own. I spent a whole year there, going to work with a smile on my face every day because I loved what I was doing. I then moved to Amsterdam with my (now fiancée) and life just continues on it's peaks and troughs pattern. I'm now at a point in my life where, although anxiety was, and still is, the worst thing I've ever been through and wouldn't wish on anyone, I feel lucky to have experienced it. I wouldn't be able to offer some advice to people, advice which, though not professional, comes from experience. My words of advice are purely what worked for me in the past, what helped me get a hold of anxiety and change my whole attitude towards it. Any advice I offer, do not take my word for it, look into it and do what is right for you.

​

In the last 4 or 5 years, I have had lots of ups and lots of downs but I'm happy to say that it has been mainly ups. There has been lots of changes in my lifestyle, my job, relationships, physical heath and choices, but through talking to people, counselling, therapists, self-improvement, gaining knowledge of mental health, and medication, I got better. There have been and continue to be setbacks for sure, times when I felt I couldn't cope with anxiety, but I coped. I dealt with it and continue to deal with it.

 

That's my story so far. I hope some parts of my story resonate with people and gives them confidence to speak out. Speaking out about what I was going through helped. Don't struggle alone. Someone wants to hear your story!